I Don’t Have a Favorite Color

I don’t have a favorite color…

“You let people influence your mood too much!”

My Mexican co-worker tells me while giving me a ride home from work today…

“You just need to act stupid, laugh, and let it go!”

I have been trying to deal with my passive aggressive, super traditional Japanese supervisor.

He will never tell me when he is mad at me, or what I’ve done wrong. ( He expects me to just read his mind or something…) but I can always tell when he is mad.

Because of this, I am always worried that I have upset him in some way, and therefore end up trying to avoid him at all costs.

 “You let people influence your mood too much!”

This is something I already knew, but no one has ever said it to my face.

Ever since I can remember I have been trying to please others.

I have given up the things I like, for the benefit of my brothers, to please my parents, to please my friends, teachers, etc. But In giving up I have received nothing in return, in fact,  I have lost almost everything.

On top of that fact,  I have been forcing myself to  live under unneeded stress, irritation, and self loathing.

“Why do you make your life difficult??”

This was another common statement I have received, in the past. I honestly did not understand the meaning of the statement, until now.

I’ve always felt like I was missing something in my life. Like I was not a full person.

Now I know what it is…

  • I don’t know what I like
  • I don’t know what I don’t like.
  • I am always letting other people decide.
  • I never know what I want to do.

I don’t have a favorite color.

I don’t have a favorite color, because I’ve changed it according to external expectations.

I remember when I really liked green, moss green.

It was ugly, but when I was little I really liked that ugly green.

I remember having an ugly moss green felted pants,  I wore it all the time.

Then one day, someone told me that  green was a boy’s color and I completely abandoned my love for it.

My favorite color has continually changed since then, and now… it is lost.

“I’m sorry for being direct”

My co-worker apologized several times before we parted, “No, thank you, I really appreciated that” I say… I wonder to what extent he understood how much  I appreciated the fact he told me.

What if no one had cared to tell me?

What if I kept on pretending that I was fine?

I would have suffered from unneeded self loathing and stress, perhaps forever!

I would have been unhappy and never know why.

I would have never even thought of looking for my favorite color..

I’m so glad he was there to make me realize what I needed to realize so long ago.

Life is made by the people you meet, if you let them help you, they can help you, and maybe you (I) can help them in return…

I’ll start by looking for my favorite color, and gradually but surely, find the parts of me that make me complete.

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